Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
