Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
