Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
