Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
