Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
