One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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