If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
