My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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