I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
