Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
