Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Less talking, more tequila
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
