I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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