tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
