Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
