Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
