ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
