Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
