Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
