I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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