It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
