around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
