I could make wine with my vomit
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
ok first of all what the fuck
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
