ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
