remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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