checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
