New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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