I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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