I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
