She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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