I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
