How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
