remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
