so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
