well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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