I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
