Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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