How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
