I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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