its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
