Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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