Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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