you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
