so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my shit smells like andre
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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