Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
