Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
