I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
