i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
