I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
