WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
