Apparently you make a good broom.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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