I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
