Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
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Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
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Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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