me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
